Hope, progression, and self-love are what Fifty Grand practices and preaches. After getting off the phone with the intriguing artist, I myself felt inspired to look at my inner demons and make some art. From growing up in Berlin, Connecticut to his current life in Los Angeles, Fifty’s journey has been marked by incredible shifts in inspiration and maturity. We did not dwell on dark times, however. Our conversation covered stories that makes Fifty who he is today, the unique community that is TeamSESH, and how to stay grounded when the music industry quakes. When everyone else’s grind stops, Fifty Grand’s certainly doesn’t.
Underground Underdogs: How are you today?
Fifty Grand: I feel energized, I feel good. Most days I feel tired and burnt out, so today’s a good day.
Thanks for taking the time to chat. How did your upbringing influence who you are personally and artistically?
I grew up in a small, rural, suburban town in Connecticut. It’s a quiet town, so I took to the internet right away for my entertainment. That’s how I got into music. My mom made me take piano lessons at a young age and I hated it. I never practiced or got involved. It wasn’t until after I stopped taking lessons that I realized I can play anything I want. I don’t have to play from the stupid books or songs they give me; I can make my own music.
Around high school age I started fucking around with GarageBand. I went to school for film but realized I didn’t want to do that shit anymore. I wanted to do music, so in college is where things really took off.
Coming from a suburban town myself, I understand how stifling it can be to grow up in an environment that doesn’t encourage experimental creativity.
[Berlin] was a nice place to live, but it was so void of art and culture that it really forced me to seek more out of life. For that reason, I’m grateful for how things turned out. It might have been different if I didn’t feel so alone and isolated in a small place like that. I might not have reached out to music the way I did.
So you weren’t always a singer?
No, oh my god. I remember being in chorus at school and thinking “I can’t do this, I’m not good at this” and resigning to the fact that I’ll never be a good singer. Once I left high school my mindset shifted and I just went for it. At first I started molding my voice around artists I liked. Phantogram was a really big inspiration for me when I was finding my voice. I genuinely feel that if you spend a lot of time every day singing, you can actually get good. My voice has changed a lot and been through a lot, too.
I read your beautiful piece from The FADER from 2014. A lot can happen in four years. Where are you on that journey right now?
I still can’t grow a full beard. I just want a fucking mustache! That’s a long time though, four years. Shit, things are good though. I got my first T-shot August 28, 2014 and I still take them every week. I’ve had top surgery, I’ve had a hysterectomy, so I don’t have any female reproductive organs anymore.
That’s huge! Congratulations.
Yeah, I feel great. Honestly, I don’t think about that anymore. It’s just a relief after so long to finally feel comfortable and get to the point where I’m not constantly thinking about my dysphoria or things that are related to my gender. I’m at a point where it’s an after thought, and that’s beautiful.
How did you get involved with TeamSESH?
I heard one of Elmo’s [BONES] songs that he did with Xavier Wulf on YouTube and I loved it. I simply shot him an email with a couple songs of mine and asked if he wanted to work and I’m pretty sure the same day BONES hit me back and said hell yeah. We did our first song, “Gravel“, and the relationship kept going from there and I joined the team shortly after. Ever since then, we’re all tight as fuck. We all talk every single day. I live out here now so I see Elmo quite a bit.
You guys are from all over geographically. That must be fun, making connections and music globally.
Yeah! We’re international as fuck. There’s some of us in Europe, Germany, all over the US… There’s a bunch of us in California now but hopefully more of us end up coming out here.
Since you’ve been a part of SESH, a lot more creatives have joined as well. What’s it like to see new talent contribute to the group?
A lot of the guys were on before I was. Our most recent additions I feel like are more about graphic and visuals. Tyrus Creek, our head graphic designer who does our merch and stuff, is incredible. The graphic design really brings it all together.
Anything coming up for SESH that you can tell us about?
Right now we’re planning our second TeamSESH show. We’re just figuring out the timing about how to get our overseas members out here. And we also have our second TeamSESH album in the works. It’s gonna be fun.
Do you enjoy giving live performances?
No! I hate it! I don’t hate it, but I’m so terrified. I have had stage fright for a long long time. I had this sort of fucked up moment when I was younger. I had a piano recital, I think I was in like third grade or something and I got up there to play the Lion King song and I fucked up in front of everyone. And I just remember this moment of complete silence while I sat up at the piano in front of hundreds of people. And like, I was just trying to find what note to play next. That silence, was like, the loudest thing I’d ever heard. Fucking up at that piano recital in third grade, that might not sound like a big deal right? But in my head it traumatized me for life. So performing for me is very bittersweet because it’s all about the end for me, when people come up and say “I loved it” or “I connected with you so hard.”
Hopefully the end of a performance brings you relief.
Luckily when I go on stage I black out. I just do the damn thing so afterwards, it’s beautiful. It’s cathartic.
What was the creative energy that inspired the “Reasons” music video?
It’s a song about revenge. Some of these songs that I write, I don’t know where they’re coming from. I just kind of let it happen and I go back and dissect later, connect the dots. It always seems to be connected to the horrors of bodily existence. This video in particular was about taking revenge on the world for being born into life without asking for it.
In an industry where life, work, and relationships can be unpredictable, how do you keep yourself sane?
Number one, smoke a lot of weed. Number two, never stop creating. When bad things happen, you can’t just stop. You have to keep going. If anything, Jah’s passing has revitalized me. I’ve been newly inspired to go and fucking get it. This past week I’ve worked on music so hard every single day. Kellbender lives with me so we’ve been fucking grinding. Two days ago we made a crazy crazy song and we shot the video yesterday and we’re gonna drop it today. You just gotta keep pushing. I have a tattoo on my left arm that says “don’t stop” and I have to look at it sometimes to remind myself that’s what it’s all about.
Often it’s about channeling that negative energy and passion into a creative, positive endeavor. Creating something new, right?
What’s especially great is if you do all that and then connect with so many people. It’s all I ever wanted to do. I feel like I couldn’t always find love within myself, so I looked outward to find it by inspiring others.
Any final words you want to leave us with?
I’m dropping a video today and I feel like there’s going to be a certain expectation. I want my supporters to know that I’m able to make crazy, high-end videos but can also have fun and make videos that show more of my everyday life. I’m going to do it big, I’m going to do it small, and everything in between.
Do not stop. Push. Continue. Progress. Lift yourself up. Be your biggest fan. And love yourself.
This interview took place at 10am on June 27, 2018. Check out Fifty Grand’s other social media: Instagram, Twitter, YouTube.